Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine