My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.