Don’t tell me what to do
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[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
dictator is short for richard potato
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I think they could have phrased this better
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?