*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
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I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood