Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.