I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows