Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
a lot to unpack here
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth