The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
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One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
mumsnet is amazing
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.