STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic