the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
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Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.