[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
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My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.