I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.