If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Meow?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god