hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
You Might Also Like
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins