Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
felt cute might bury dad later idk
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.