Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
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Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Was it something I said?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings