Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.