[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
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His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My dress code is business-casualty.