“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.