*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
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New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool