Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.