These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
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Canada has crack?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.