There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Brb my Sims are getting married
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!