As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
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Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Still cracks me up
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.