Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
You Might Also Like
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I have never related to anyone more.
Breaking news:
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.