Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
dude it’s called proctologist
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.