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Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.