There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Never be a pizza!
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
honestly, i need both:
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
A double negative is a big no-no.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET