Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
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This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.