FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
You Might Also Like
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
*ernest hemingway voice*
#merica
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.