If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
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How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
this is me
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”