Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
You Might Also Like
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Encore…
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.