Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
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am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
No regrets in 2018
good let them take over I have had enough
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.