Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
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Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.