there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
You Might Also Like
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.