So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
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Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I love the honesty
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Y’all know who you are.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.