I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
had to make it
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit