FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
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I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
i will not be silenced
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Mad Max: Furry Road
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes