gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
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My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested