Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
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Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.