There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally