The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
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My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.