[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
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But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*