3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
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[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL