So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Meow
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me