urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Breaking news:
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
The cashier just checked me out.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Sooo many times…..
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.