Comparing yourself to others
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I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.