Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
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Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
no!! no!!!!!!
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening