Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
opening twitter today
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood