Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
You Might Also Like
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.